Surely
Psalm 51:5-10
Surely I was born in a grave
My body, my coffin
A home for the cold and dirty
And locked in by impurity
Surely You saw me and forgave
Saw me dead as I was
And opened me, and shone Your light
Such truth and wisdom shine through night
Surely Your purpose is to lave
I dream of Your sweet smell
You scrubbed my skin, washed from within
The grime, the dirt, the muck and sin
Surely my road is newly paved
For broken are my bones
To be sewn back together true
To do what they were born to do
Surely I shall not misbehave
For You ought turn Your head
Now that I have Your confidence
To replace sin with innocence
Surely You are the one to save
So please give me a pure
A clean, a wise, a holy, free
A steadfast spirit within me.
Well done. I liked the fact that you used the verses as verses-a clever idea, and well managed. Also, I liked the shape of your poem-the first lines rhyming, the second lines free verse, and the last two lines of each verse rhyming. That had to take some time. I'm not sure verse 2 fits Psalm 51:6 as well as the other verses fit. Also, perhaps the second lines of the verses should have been a bit longer. Well done on the whole though.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I did a 8-6-8-8 meter. If read a certain way it sounds natural, but I can see how someone coming at it might find it a little clumsy on the tongue.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback =]
so, even though i think your poem is really excellent, i do have a couple of ideas of how it could be a little bit better. first i think you should have specifically said who the "you" in your poem was. now i know that most poems are really vague about things like this, but i think that because your poem has such a great salvation message you really should be specific about who is saving you. second i think you should have included some of the joy David talks about in the Psalm into your poem. after all, you are writing about how Jesus saved you. but i did like how you placed the title of the poem at the begging of each verse. it really tied the poem together. i also liked the emphasis you put on your being a hopeless prisoner in the first verse. then we saw how you were starting to break free of your prison in the later verses. it is a really great poem, very beautifully written. great work! :)
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